This work includes five acts. From the first minutes of reading the play, you can see how negative the mayor’s character is.
The image and characterization of the Governor in the comedy “The Inspector General” is collective. This is a single portrait of all officials of that time, still relevant today. This comedy will serve as a good lesson for dishonest people who take advantage of their position in society and break the law.
Image of the Mayor
“His facial features are coarse and hard, like those of anyone who began hard service from the lower ranks. The transition from fear to joy, from baseness to arrogance is quite rapid, like in a person with crudely developed inclinations of the soul.”
Full name Anton Antonovich Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky. Mayor. In service for about 30 years. Approximate age 50 years. Married. Of the heirs, only a daughter. The appearance is solid. The hair is covered with gray hair. He always wears a uniform and boots decorated with spurs. The facial features are rough, as if hewn with an axe. The mayor’s speech is unhurried, calm and measured.
“The mayor, already old in the service and a very intelligent person in his own way. Although he is a bribe-taker, he behaves very respectably; quite serious; speaks neither loudly nor quietly, neither more nor less..."
Characteristic
In the appearance of the mayor, universal human vices are intertwined. Among them are:
Duplicity. The mayor is a master of pretending in public to be a positive and pious citizen who loves work and family. In fact, he doesn't care about work. He does not care about people, he squanders the city treasury to please himself, and does not disdain bribes.
Passion for gambling. Anton Antonovich has a weakness for gambling. Prefers cards. Capable of losing a large sum.
Harsh and merciless. This can be seen in relation to merchants. Communicating with them can allow blackmail and threats. The merchants no longer had any strength left from such treatment.
“...We don’t know what to do, even if you climb into a noose...”
Try to contradict him, he will send a whole regiment to your house to billet. And if anything happens, he orders you to lock the doors.
“I,” he says, “will not subject you to corporal punishment or torture - this, he says, is prohibited by law, but here you are, my dear, eat herring!”
Important, swaggering. Pompous like a turkey. “He has importance, the evil one would not take him, enough...”
Greedy, greedy. He will never miss the profit floating in his hands. Money, money and more money. This is the meaning of life. Ready to buy everything in stores. It doesn’t matter whether he needs this product or not. Mired in bribes.
Slacker. All he can do well is speak beautifully. According to him, the city is thriving, there are no problems. In fact, he didn’t lift a finger to restore order in his possessions. Everything has long fallen into disrepair, but the mayor prefers to turn a blind eye to this and do nothing.
Lawbreaker. Representing power, he often uses his powers and breaks the law. This can be seen in the recruitment of soldiers into the army. He takes everyone, even those who are not supposed to go there.
Stupid. Not far. What else can you call a person who can be fooled by an ordinary impostor? “How am I—no, how am I, old fool? The stupid ram is out of his mind! Look, look, the whole world, all of Christianity, everyone, look how the mayor has been fooled!”
Liar. I dared to lie about the church for which money was allocated, but no one began to build it. The mayor came up with a story that the church burned down during a strong fire.
Thoughtful. Penetrating. Thanks to his daughter’s successful marriage, he wanted to receive general’s shoulder straps. Whether she would be happy with her chosen one or not did not matter. The main thing is to ensure a happy future for yourself and your wife, who dreams of a big house in St. Petersburg.
All life the mayor was quietly engaged in shady affairs, terribly afraid of exposure. The essence of the mayor was revealed to the maximum with the arrival of an auditor in the city, who turned out to be not an auditor at all, but an ordinary petty official who decided to take advantage of the situation and fool the local authorities.
The mayor in the district town is the hero of the famous comedy by N.V. Gogol's "The Inspector General", one of the colorful representatives of the work.
His name is Anton Antonovich Skvoznik Dmukhanovsky, he is more than 50 years old, most of which he devoted to service.
At the beginning of the comedy, he informs the city that an auditor is coming to see them, thereby causing general panic.
It is he who owns the famous phrase “The auditor is coming to us.”
Characteristics of the hero
Anton Antonovich is the local mayor, he manages all affairs in the city, and has great authority among local residents. Thanks to his managerial qualities and special outlook on life, the city is in chaos and chaos. The unfinished church, the chaos, all this is the work of our hero.
He is a representative of a greedy, thieving bureaucracy who will always find a benefit for himself. Despite his position, he is afraid of people above him in rank or career ladder. Has a difficult character.
Anton Antonovich loves money very much. He never gives up a business if he knows that it will bring him benefits and material benefits. The mayor takes bribes and is not ashamed of it.
As for his social status, in his circle he is considered an intelligent and noble person who is worth listening to. He has weight in society and his word is taken into account.
Periodically, the mayor goes to church and tries to atone for his sins, sincerely believing that after visiting church he becomes pure in soul. The hero feels deep down that he is behaving incorrectly, but he cannot and does not want to change anything.
(Marya - daughter and Anna Andreevna - wife of the Governor)
Anton Antonovich has the telling surname Skvoznik Dmukhanovsky. He steals so much that he is even afraid of his own shadow. But, despite all the negative traits, he is an excellent organizer and speaker. Despite the fact that the mayor came from a simple family, he managed to achieve a fairly high position in society.
The image of the hero in the work
The hero personifies human vices - greed, stinginess, love of money, collected in a single character. Gogol described the character and appearance of his character in great detail, compiling notes for the actors:
“...The mayor, already old in the service and a very intelligent person in his own way. Although he is a bribe-taker, he behaves very respectably; quite serious;
a few are even resonant; speaks neither loudly nor quietly, neither more nor less.
His every word is significant. His facial features are coarse and hard, like those of anyone who began hard service from the lower ranks.
The transition from fear to joy, from baseness to arrogance is quite rapid, as in a person with crudely developed inclinations of the soul. He is dressed, as usual, in his uniform with buttonholes and boots with spurs. His hair is cropped and streaked with gray..."
(The central plot of the comedy: “The mayor announces the arrival of the auditor,” Artist A.I. Konstantinovsky)
There is no point in blaming the mirror if your face is crooked.
Popular proverb
CHARACTERS
Anton Antonovich Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky, mayor.
Anna Andreevna, his wife.
Marya Antonovna, his daughter.
Luka Lukich Khlopov, superintendent of schools.
His wife.
Ammos Fedorovich Lyapkin-Tyapkin, judge.
Artemy Filippovich Strawberry, trustee of charitable institutions.
Ivan Kuzmich Shpekin, postmaster.
Petr Ivanovich Dobchinsky, Petr Ivanovich Bobchinsky, city landowners.
Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov, an official from St. Petersburg.
Osip, his servant.
Christian Ivanovich Gibner, district doctor.
Fedor Andreevich Lyulyukov, Ivan Lazarevich Rastakovsky, Stepan, Ivanovich Korobkin, retired officials, honorable people in the city.
Stepan Ilyich Ukhovertov, private bailiff.
Svistunov, Pugovitsyn, Derzhimorda, policemen.
Abdulin, merchant.
Fevronya Petrovna Poshlepkina, locksmith.
Non-commissioned officer's wife.
bear, servant of the mayor.
Inn servant.
Guests and guests, merchants, townspeople, petitioners.
CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES
Notes for gentlemen actors
Mayor, already aged in the service and a very intelligent person in his own way. Although he is a bribe-taker, he behaves very respectably; quite serious; a few are even resonant; speaks neither loudly nor quietly, neither more nor less. His every word is significant. His facial features are coarse and hard, like those of anyone who began hard service from the lower ranks. The transition from fear to joy, from baseness to arrogance is quite rapid, as in a person with crudely developed inclinations of the soul. He is dressed, as usual, in his uniform with buttonholes and boots with spurs. His hair is cropped and streaked with gray.
Anna Andreevna, his wife, a provincial coquette, not yet quite old, brought up half on novels and albums, half on the chores in her pantry and maiden room. She is very curious and shows vanity on occasion. Sometimes she takes power over her husband only because he is unable to answer her; but this power extends only to trifles and consists of reprimands and ridicule. She changes into different dresses four times throughout the play.
Khlestakov, a young man of about twenty-three, thin, thin; somewhat stupid and, as they say, without a king in his head - one of those people who are called empty in the offices. He speaks and acts without any consideration. He is unable to stop constant attention on any thought. His speech is abrupt, and words fly out of his mouth completely unexpectedly. The more the person playing this role shows sincerity and simplicity, the more he will win. Dressed in fashion.
Osip, a servant, such as servants who are several years old usually are. He speaks seriously, looks somewhat downward, is a reasoner, and likes to lecture himself to his master. His voice is always almost even, and in conversation with the master it takes on a stern, abrupt and even somewhat rude expression. He is smarter than his master and therefore guesses more quickly, but he does not like to talk much and is silently a rogue. His costume is a gray or blue shabby frock coat.
Bobchinsky And Dobchinsky, both short, short, very curious; extremely similar to each other; both with small bellies; Both speak quickly and are extremely helpful with gestures and hands. Dobchinsky is a little taller and more serious than Bobchinsky, but Bobchinsky is more cheeky and lively than Dobchinsky.
Lyapkin-Tyapkin, a judge, a man who has read five or six books, and is therefore somewhat freethinking. The hunter is big on guesses, and therefore he gives weight to every word. The person representing him must always maintain a significant mien on his face. He speaks in a deep bass voice with an elongated drawl, a wheeze and a gulp - like an ancient clock that first hisses and then strikes.
Strawberries, a trustee of charitable institutions, a very fat, clumsy and clumsy man, but for all that a weasel and a rogue. Very helpful and fussy.
Postmaster, a simple-minded person to the point of naivety.
The other roles don't require much explanation. Their originals are almost always before your eyes.
Gentlemen actors should especially pay attention to the last scene. The last spoken word should produce an electric shock on everyone at once, suddenly. The entire group must change position in the blink of an eye. The sound of amazement should escape from all women at once, as if from one breast. If these notes are not observed, the entire effect may disappear.
ACT ONE
A room in the mayor's house.
PHENOMENON I
Mayor, trustee of charitable institutions, superintendent of schools, judge, private bailiff, doctor, two quarterly officers.
Mayor. I invited you, gentlemen, in order to tell you some very unpleasant news: an auditor is coming to visit us.
Ammos Fedorovich. How's the auditor?
Artemy Filippovich. How's the auditor?
Mayor. Inspector from St. Petersburg incognito. And with a secret order.
Ammos Fedorovich. Here you go!
Artemy Filippovich. There was no concern, so give it up!
Luka Lukic. Lord God! also with a secret prescription!
Mayor. It was as if I had a presentiment: today I dreamed all night about two extraordinary rats. Really, I’ve never seen anything like this: black, of unnatural size! They came, they smelled it, and they left. Here I will read to you a letter that I received from Andrei Ivanovich Chmykhov, whom you, Artemy Filippovich, know. This is what he writes: “Dear friend, godfather and benefactor (mutters in an undertone, quickly running his eyes)… and notify you." A! here: “I hasten, by the way, to notify you that an official has arrived with orders to inspect the entire province and especially our district (raises thumbs up significantly). I learned this from the most reliable people, although he represents himself as a private person. Since I know that you, like everyone else, have sins, because you are a smart person and you don’t like to miss what’s in your hands...” (stopping), well, there are people here... “then I advise you to take precautions, because he can arrive at any hour, unless he has already arrived and lives somewhere incognito... Yesterday I...” Well, here family matters have gone: “... sister Anna Kirilovna came to us with her husband; Ivan Kirilovich has gained a lot of weight and keeps playing the violin...” - and so on, and so on. So this is the circumstance!
Ammos Fedorovich. Yes, this circumstance is... extraordinary, simply extraordinary. Something for nothing.
Luka Lukic. Why, Anton Antonovich, why is this? Why do we need an auditor?
Mayor. For what! So, apparently, it’s fate! (Sighing.) Until now, thank God, we have been approaching other cities; Now it's our turn.
Ammos Fedorovich. I think, Anton Antonovich, that there is a subtle and more political reason here. This means this: Russia... yes... wants to wage war, and the ministry, you see, sent an official to find out if there is any treason.
Mayor. Eh, where have you had enough! Still a smart man! There is treason in the county town! What is he, borderline, or what? Yes, from here, even if you ride for three years, you won’t reach any state.
Ammos Fedorovich. No, I’ll tell you, you’re not that... you’re not... The authorities have subtle views: even if they are far away, they are shaking their heads.
Mayor. It shakes or doesn’t shake, but I, gentlemen, warned you. Look, I have made some orders for my part, and I advise you to do the same. Especially you, Artemy Filippovich! Without a doubt, a passing official will want to first of all inspect the charitable institutions under your jurisdiction - and therefore you should make sure that everything is decent: the caps would be clean, and the sick would not look like blacksmiths, as they usually do at home.
Artemy Filippovich. Well, that's nothing yet. The caps, perhaps, can be put on clean.
Mayor. Yes, and also above each bed to write in Latin or in some other language... that’s your thing, Christian Ivanovich, every disease: when someone got sick, what day and date... It’s not good that your patients smoke such strong tobacco, that you always sneeze when you walk in. And it would be better if there were fewer of them: they would immediately be attributed to poor judgment or the lack of skill of the doctor.
Artemy Filippovich. ABOUT! As for healing, Christian Ivanovich and I took our own measures: the closer to nature, the better - we do not use expensive medicines. The man is simple: if he dies, he will die anyway; if he recovers, then he will recover. And it would be difficult for Christian Ivanovich to communicate with them: he doesn’t know a word of Russian.
Christian Ivanovich makes a sound somewhat similar to a letter And and several on e.
Mayor. I would also advise you, Ammos Fedorovich, to pay attention to public places. In your front hall, where petitioners usually come, the guards have kept domestic geese with little goslings that are scurrying around under your feet. It is, of course, commendable for anyone to start a household chore, and why shouldn’t the watchman start one? only, you know, it’s indecent in such a place... I wanted to point this out to you before, but somehow I forgot everything.
Ammos Fedorovich. But today I’ll order them all to be taken to the kitchen. If you want, come and have lunch.
Mayor. Besides, it’s bad that you have all sorts of rubbish dried in your very presence and a hunting rifle right above the cupboard with papers. I know you love hunting, but it’s better to accept him for a while, and then, when the inspector passes, perhaps you can hang him again. Also, your assessor... he, of course, is a knowledgeable person, but he smells as if he had just come out of a distillery, this is also not good. I wanted to tell you about this for a long time, but I don’t remember, I was distracted by something. There is a remedy against this, if it really is, as he says, it has a natural smell: you can advise him to eat onions, or garlic, or something else. In this case, Christian Ivanovich can help with various medications.
Christian Ivanovich makes the same sound.
Ammos Fedorovich. No, it’s no longer possible to get rid of this: he says that his mother hurt him as a child, and since then he’s been giving him a little vodka.
Mayor. Yes, I just noticed that to you. As for the internal regulations and what Andrei Ivanovich calls sins in his letter, I cannot say anything. Yes, and it’s strange to say: there is no person who does not have some sins behind him. This is already arranged this way by God himself, and the Voltaireans are in vain speaking against it.
Ammos Fedorovich. What do you think, Anton Antonovich, are sins? Sins and sins are different. I tell everyone openly that I take bribes, but with what bribes? Greyhound puppies. This is a completely different matter.
Mayor. Well, puppies or something else - all bribes.
Ammos Fedorovich. Well, no, Anton Antonovich. But, for example, if someone’s fur coat costs five hundred rubles, and his wife’s shawl...
Mayor. Well, what if you take bribes with greyhound puppies? But you don’t believe in God; you never go to church; but at least I am firm in my faith and go to church every Sunday. And you... Oh, I know you: if you start talking about the creation of the world, your hair will just stand on end.
Ammos Fedorovich. But I came to it on my own, with my own mind.
Mayor. Well, otherwise a lot of intelligence is worse than not having it at all. However, I only mentioned the district court; but to tell the truth, it’s unlikely that anyone will ever look there: it’s such an enviable place, God himself patronizes it. But you, Luka Lukic, as the superintendent of educational institutions, need to take special care of the teachers. They are people, of course, scientists and were brought up in different colleges, but they have very strange actions, naturally inseparable from an academic title. One of them, for example, this one, who has a fat face... I don’t remember his last name, can’t get by without making a grimace when he ascends to the pulpit, like that (makes a grimace) and then he begins to iron his beard with his hand from under his tie. Of course, if he makes such a face on a student, then it’s nothing: maybe it’s what’s needed there, I can’t judge that; but judge for yourself, if he does this to a visitor, it can be very bad: Mr. Inspector or someone else who may take it personally. God knows what could happen from this.
Luka Lukic. What should I really do with him? I've already told him several times. Just the other day, when our leader came into the classroom, he made such a face as I had never seen before. He did it out of a good heart, but he reprimanded me: why are free-thinking thoughts being instilled in young people?
Mayor. I must note the same thing about the historical teacher. He is a scientist, it’s obvious, and he’s picked up a ton of information, but he only explains with such fervor that he doesn’t remember himself. I listened to him once: well, for now I was talking about the Assyrians and Babylonians - nothing yet, but when I got to Alexander the Great, I can’t tell you what happened to him. I thought it was a fire, by God! He ran away from the pulpit and with all the strength he had, he slammed the chair on the floor. Of course, Alexander the Great is a hero, but why break the chairs? This results in a loss to the treasury.
Luka Lukic. Yes, he's hot! I have already noticed this to him several times... He says: “As you wish, I will not spare my life for science.”
Mayor. Yes, this is the inexplicable law of fate: an intelligent person is either a drunkard, or he will make such a face that he can at least endure the saints.
Luka Lukic. God forbid you serve in an academic capacity! You are afraid of everything: everyone gets in the way, everyone wants to show that he is also an intelligent person.
Mayor. That would be nothing - damned incognito! Suddenly he’ll look in: “Oh, you’re here, my dear! And who, say, is the judge here? - “Lyapkin-Tyapkin.” - “And bring Lyapkin-Tyapkin here! Who is the trustee of charitable institutions?” - “Strawberry”. - “And serve Strawberries here!” That's what's bad!
Anton Antonovich Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky, mayor.
Anna Andreevna, his wife.
Marya Antonovna, his daughter.
Luka Lukich Khlopov, superintendent of schools.
His wife.
Ammos Fedorovich Lyapkin-Tyapkin, judge.
Artemy Filippovich Strawberry, trustee of charitable institutions.
Ivan Kuzmich Shpekin, postmaster.
Pyotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky and Pyotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky are city landowners.
Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov, an official from St. Petersburg.
Osip, his servant.
Christian Ivanovich Gibner, district doctor.
Fedor Andreevich Lyulyukov, Ivan Lazarevich Rastakovsky,
Stepan Ivanovich Korobkin - retired officials, honorary persons in the city.
Stepan Ilyich Ukhovertov, private bailiff.
Svistunov, Pugovitsyn, Derzhimorda are police officers.
Abdulin, merchant.
Fevronya Petrovna Poshlepkina, mechanic.
Non-commissioned officer's wife.
Mishka, the mayor's servant.
Inn servant.
Guests and guests, merchants, townspeople, petitioners.
CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES.
NOTES FOR Messrs. ACTORS.
Mayor, already aged in the service and not a very stupid person, in his own way. Although he is a bribe-taker, he behaves very respectably; quite serious; a few are even resonant; speaks neither loudly nor quietly, neither more nor less. His every word is significant. His facial features are coarse and hard, like those of anyone who began hard service from the lower ranks. The transition from fear to joy, from baseness to arrogance is quite rapid, as in a person with crudely developed inclinations of the soul. He is dressed as usual in his uniform with buttonholes and boots with spurs. His hair is cropped and streaked with gray.
Anna Andreevna, his wife, a provincial coquette, not yet quite old, brought up half on novels and albums, half on chores in her pantry and maid's room. She is very curious and shows vanity on occasion. Sometimes she takes power over her husband, only because he does not have anything to answer her. But this power extends only to trifles and consists of reprimands and ridicule. She changes into different dresses four times during the play.
Khlestakov, a young man, about 23 years old, thin, slender; somewhat stupid and, as they say, without a king in his head. One of those people who in the offices are called empty-headed. He speaks and acts without any consideration. He is unable to stop constant attention on any thought. His speech is abrupt, and words fly out of his mouth completely unexpectedly. The more the person playing this role shows sincerity and simplicity, the more he will win. Dressed in fashion.
Osip, a servant, such as servants who are several years old usually are. He speaks seriously; looks somewhat downward, is a reasoner and loves to read moral teachings to himself for his master. His voice is always almost even, and in conversation with the master it takes on a stern, abrupt and even somewhat rude expression. He is smarter than his master and therefore guesses more quickly, but he does not like to talk much, and is silently a rogue. His costume is a gray or blue shabby frock coat.
Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky, both short, short, very curious; extremely similar to each other. Both have small bellies. Both speak quickly and help a lot with gestures and hands. Dobchinsky is a little taller and more serious than Bobchinsky, but Bobchinsky is more cheeky and lively than Dobchinsky.
Lyapkin-Tyapkin, a judge, a man who has read five or six books, and is therefore somewhat freethinking. The hunter is big on guesses and therefore gives weight to every word. The person representing him must always maintain a significant mien on his face. He speaks in a deep bass voice with an elongated drawl, a wheeze and a gulp, like an ancient clock that first hisses and then strikes.
Strawberries, trustee of charitable institutions, a very fat, clumsy and clumsy person; but for all that, she is a sly and a rogue. Very helpful and fussy.
Postmaster, a simple-minded person to the point of naivety.
The other roles don't require much explanation. Their originals are almost always before your eyes.
Gentlemen actors should especially pay attention to last scene. The last spoken word should produce an electric shock on everyone at once, suddenly. The entire group must change position in the blink of an eye. The sound of amazement should escape from all women at once, as if from one breast. If these notes are not observed, the entire effect may disappear.
ACT ONE
Room in the mayor's house
Phenomenon I
Mayor, trustee of charitable institutions, superintendent of schools, judge, private bailiff, doctor, two quarterly officers.
Mayor. I invited you, gentlemen, in order to tell you some very unpleasant news: an auditor is coming to visit us.
Ammos Fedorovich. How's the auditor?
Artemy Filippovich. How's the auditor?
Mayor. Inspector from St. Petersburg, incognito. And with a secret order.
Ammos Fedorovich. Here you go!
Artemy Filippovich. There was no concern, so give it up!
Luka Lukic. Lord God! also with a secret prescription!
Mayor. It was as if I had a presentiment: today I dreamed all night about two extraordinary rats. Really, I’ve never seen anything like this: black, of unnatural size! They came, they smelled it, and they left. Here I will read to you a letter that I received from Andrei Ivanovich Chmykhov, whom you, Artemy Filippovich, know. This is what he writes: “Dear friend, godfather and benefactor (mutters in a low voice, quickly running his eyes) ... and notify you.” A! Here: “I hasten, by the way, to notify you that an official has arrived with orders to inspect the entire province and especially our district (significantly raises his finger up). I learned this from the most reliable people, although he presents himself as a private person. Since I know, that you, like everyone else, have sins, because you are a smart person and don’t like to miss what floats into your hands..." (stopping), well, here are your own... "then I advise you to take precautions, because he can come at any hour, unless he has already arrived and is living somewhere incognito... Yesterday I..." Well, then family matters started to go: "... sister Anna Kirillovna came to us with her husband; Ivan Kirillovich has gained a lot of weight and keeps playing the violin..." - and so on, and so on. So this is the circumstance!
Ammos Fedorovich. Yes, this circumstance is... extraordinary, simply extraordinary. Something for nothing.
Luka Lukic. Why, Anton Antonovich, why is this? Why do we need an auditor?
Mayor. For what! So, apparently, it’s fate! (Sighing.) Until now, thank God, we have been approaching other cities; Now it's our turn.
Ammos Fedorovich. I think, Anton Antonovich, that there is a subtle and more political reason here. This means this: Russia... yes... wants to wage war, and the ministry, you see, sent an official to find out if there is any treason.
Mayor. Eh, where have you had enough! Still a smart man! There is treason in the county town! What is he, borderline, or what? Yes, from here, even if you ride for three years, you won’t reach any state.
Ammos Fedorovich. No, I’ll tell you, you’re not that... you’re not... The authorities have subtle views: even though they are far away, they are shaking their heads.
Mayor. It shakes or doesn’t shake, but I, gentlemen, warned you. Look, I have made some arrangements for my part, I advise you. Especially you, Artemy Filippovich! Without a doubt, a passing official will want, first of all, to inspect the charitable institutions under your jurisdiction - and therefore you should make sure that everything is decent: the caps would be clean, and the sick would not look like blacksmiths, as they usually do at home.
Artemy Filippovich. Well, that's nothing yet. The caps, perhaps, can be put on clean.
Mayor. Yes, and also above each bed to write in Latin or in another language... This is your part, Christian Ivanovich, every disease: when someone got sick, what day and date... It’s not good that your sick people have such strong tobacco they smoke that you always sneeze when you enter. And it would be better if there were fewer of them: they would immediately be attributed to the doctor’s poor judgment or lack of skill.
Artemy Filippovich. ABOUT! As for healing, Christian Ivanovich and I took our own measures: the closer to nature, the better - we do not use expensive medicines. The man is simple: if he dies, he will die anyway; if he recovers, then he will recover. And it would be difficult for Christian Ivanovich to communicate with them: he doesn’t know a word of Russian.
Christian Ivanovich makes a sound that is partly similar to the letter i and somewhat similar to e.
Mayor. I would also advise you, Ammos Fedorovich, to pay attention to public places. In your front hall, where petitioners usually come, the guards have kept domestic geese with little goslings that are scurrying around under your feet. It is, of course, commendable for anyone to start a household chore, and why shouldn’t the watchman start one? only, you know, it’s indecent in such a place... I wanted to point this out to you before, but somehow I forgot everything.
Ammos Fedorovich. But today I’ll order them all to be taken to the kitchen. If you want, come and have lunch.
Mayor. Besides, it’s bad that you have all sorts of rubbish dried in your very presence and a hunting rifle right above the cupboard with papers. I know you love hunting, but it’s better to accept him for a while, and then, when the inspector passes, perhaps you can hang him again. Also, your assessor... he, of course, is a knowledgeable person, but he smells as if he had just come out of a distillery - that’s also not good. I wanted to tell you about this for a long time, but I don’t remember, I was distracted by something. There is a remedy against this, if it really is, as he says, it has a natural smell: you can advise him to eat onions, or garlic, or something else. In this case, Christian Ivanovich can help with various medications.
Christian Ivanovich makes the same sound.
Ammos Fedorovich. No, it’s no longer possible to get rid of this: he says that his mother hurt him as a child, and since then he’s been giving him a little vodka.
Mayor. Yes, that's just what I noticed to you. As for the internal regulations and what Andrei Ivanovich calls sins in his letter, I cannot say anything. Yes, and it’s strange to say: there is no person who does not have some sins behind him. This is already arranged this way by God himself, and the Voltaireans are in vain speaking against it.
Ammos Fedorovich. What do you think, Anton Antonovich, are sins? Sins and sins are different. I tell everyone openly that I take bribes, but with what bribes? Greyhound puppies. This is a completely different matter.
Mayor. Well, puppies, or something else - all bribes.
Ammos Fedorovich. Well, no, Anton Antonovich. But, for example, if someone’s fur coat costs five hundred rubles, and his wife’s shawl...
Mayor. Well, what if you take bribes with greyhound puppies? But you don’t believe in God; you never go to church; but at least I am firm in my faith and go to church every Sunday. And you... Oh, I know you: if you start talking about the creation of the world, your hair will just stand on end.
Ammos Fedorovich. But I came to it on my own, with my own mind.
Mayor. Well, otherwise a lot of intelligence is worse than not having it at all. However, I only mentioned the district court; but to tell the truth, hardly anyone will ever look there; This is such an enviable place, God himself patronizes it. But you, Luka Lukic, as the superintendent of educational institutions, need to take special care of the teachers. They are people, of course, scientists and were brought up in different colleges, but they have very strange actions, naturally inseparable from an academic title. One of them, for example, this one, who has a fat face... I don’t remember his last name, he just can’t get by without making a grimace when he ascends to the pulpit, like this (makes a grimace), and then he starts with his hand... iron your beard under your tie. Of course, if a student makes such a face, then it’s nothing: maybe it’s needed there that way, I can’t judge that; but judge for yourself, if he does this to a visitor, it can be very bad: Mr. Inspector or someone else who may take it personally. God knows what could happen from this.
Luka Lukic. What should I really do with him? I've already told him several times. Just the other day, when our leader came into the classroom, he made such a face as I had never seen before. He did it out of a good heart, but he reprimanded me: why are free-thinking thoughts being instilled in young people?
Mayor. I must note the same thing about the historical teacher. He is a scientist, it’s obvious, and he’s picked up a ton of information, but he only explains with such fervor that he doesn’t remember himself. I listened to him once: well, for now I talked about the Assyrians and Babylonians - nothing yet, but when I got to Alexander the Great, I cannot tell you what happened to him. I thought it was a fire, by God! He ran away from the pulpit and slammed his chair on the floor with all his might. Of course, Alexander the Great is a hero, but why break the chairs? This results in a loss to the treasury.
Luka Lukic. Yes, he's hot! I have already noticed this to him several times... He says: “As you wish, I will not spare my life for science.”
Mayor. Yes, this is the inexplicable law of fate: an intelligent person is either a drunkard, or he will make such a face that he can even endure the saints.
Luka Lukic. God forbid I serve in an academic capacity! You are afraid of everything: everyone gets in the way, everyone wants to show that he is also an intelligent person.
Mayor. That would be nothing - damned incognito! Suddenly he will look in: “Oh, you are here, my dears! And who, say, is the judge here?” - "Lyapkin-Tyapkin". - “And bring Lyapkin-Tyapkin here! Who is the trustee of charitable institutions?” - "Strawberry". “And serve Strawberries here!” That's what's bad!
Phenomenon II
The same goes for the postmaster.
Postmaster. Explain, gentlemen, what official is coming?
Mayor. Haven't you heard?
Postmaster. I heard from Pyotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky. It just arrived at my post office.
Mayor. Well? What do you think about this?
Postmaster. What do I think? there will be a war with the Turks.
Ammos Fedorovich. In one word! I thought the same thing myself.
Mayor. Yes, both of them hit the mark!
Postmaster. Right, war with the Turks. It's all the Frenchman crap.
Mayor. What a war with the Turks! It will just be bad for us, not for the Turks. This is already known: I have a letter.
Postmaster. And if so, then there will be no war with the Turks.
Mayor. Well, how are you, Ivan Kuzmich?
Postmaster. What am I? How are you, Anton Antonovich?
Mayor. What am I? There is no fear, but just a little... Merchants and citizenship confuse me. They say that they had a hard time with me, but by God, even if I took it from someone else, it was truly without any hatred. I even think (takes him by the arm and takes him aside), I even think if there was some kind of denunciation against me. Why do we really need an auditor? Listen, Ivan Kuzmich, could you, for our common benefit, print out every letter that arrives at your post office, incoming and outgoing, you know, a little bit and read it: does it contain some kind of report or just correspondence? If not, then you can seal it again; however, you can even give the letter printed out.
Postmaster. I know, I know... Don’t teach me this, I do this not so much out of precaution, but more out of curiosity: I love to know what’s new in the world. Let me tell you, this is a very interesting read. You will read another letter with pleasure - this is how various passages are described... and what edification... better than in the Moskovskie Vedomosti!
Mayor. Well, tell me, have you read anything about some official from St. Petersburg?
Postmaster. No, there is nothing about the St. Petersburg ones, but a lot is said about the Kostroma and Saratov ones. It’s a pity, however, that you don’t read letters: there are wonderful places. Recently, one lieutenant wrote to a friend and described the ball in the most playful way... very, very well: “My life, dear friend, flows, he speaks in the empyrean: there are many young ladies, music is playing, the standard is jumping...” - with great, described with great feeling. I left it with me on purpose. Do you want me to read it?
Mayor. Well, now there's no time for that. So do me a favor, Ivan Kuzmich: if by chance you come across a complaint or report, then detain him without any reasoning.
Postmaster. With great pleasure.
Ammos Fedorovich. Look, you will get it someday for this.
Postmaster. Ah, fathers!
Mayor. Nothing, nothing. It would be a different matter if you made something public out of this, but this is a family matter.
Ammos Fedorovich. Yes, something bad is brewing! And I confess, I was coming to you, Anton Antonovich, in order to treat you to a little dog. Full sister to the male you know. After all, you heard that Cheptovich and Varkhovinsky started a lawsuit, and now I have the luxury of hunting hares on the lands of both.
Mayor. Fathers, your hares are not dear to me now: the damned incognito sits in my head. You just wait for the door to open and walk...
Scene III
The same ones, Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky, both enter out of breath.
Bobchinsky. Emergency!
Dobchinsky. Unexpected news!
All. What, what is it?
Dobchinsky. Unforeseen event: we arrive at the hotel...
Bobchinsky(interrupting). We arrive with Pyotr Ivanovich at the hotel...
Dobchinsky(interrupting). Eh, let me, Pyotr Ivanovich, I’ll tell you.
Bobchinsky. Eh, no, let me... let me, let me... you don’t even have such a syllable...
Dobchinsky. And you will get confused and not remember everything.
Bobchinsky. I remember, by God, I remember. Don't bother me, let me tell you, don't bother me! Tell me, gentlemen, please don’t let Pyotr Ivanovich interfere.
Mayor. Yes, tell me, for God's sake, what is it? My heart is not in the right place. Sit down, gentlemen! Take the chairs! Pyotr Ivanovich, here's a chair for you.
Everyone sits down around both Petrov Ivanovichs.
Well, what, what is it?
Bobchinsky. Excuse me, excuse me: I’ll get everything in order. As soon as I had the pleasure of leaving you after you deigned to be embarrassed by the letter you received, yes, sir, then I ran in... please don’t interrupt, Pyotr Ivanovich! I know everything, everything, everything, sir. So, if you please, I ran to Korobkin. And not finding Korobkin at home, he turned to Rastakovsky, and not finding Rastakovsky, he went to Ivan Kuzmich to tell him the news you had received, and, on his way from there, he met with Pyotr Ivanovich...
Dobchinsky(interrupting). Near the booth where pies are sold.
Bobchinsky. Near the booth where pies are sold. Yes, having met Pyotr Ivanovich, I say to him: “Have you heard about the news that Anton Antonovich received from a reliable letter?” And Pyotr Ivanovich already heard about this from your housekeeper Avdotya, who, I don’t know, was sent to Philip Antonovich Pochechuev for something.
Dobchinsky(interrupting). For a keg of French vodka.
Bobchinsky(moving his hands away). For a keg of French vodka. So Pyotr Ivanovich and I went to Pochechuev... You, Pyotr Ivanovich... this... don’t interrupt, please don’t interrupt!.. We went to Pochechuev, but on the road Pyotr Ivanovich said: “Let’s go in,” he says. , to the tavern. It’s in my stomach... I haven’t eaten anything since the morning, so stomach shaking..." - yes, sir, in Pyotr Ivanovich’s stomach... “And they brought it to the tavern, he says.” Now some fresh salmon, so we’ll have a snack.” We had just arrived at the hotel when suddenly a young man...
Dobchinsky(interrupting). Not bad looking, in a private dress...
Bobchinsky. Not bad-looking, in a particular dress, he walks around the room like that, and in his face there’s this kind of reasoning... physiognomy... actions, and here (twists his hand near his forehead) there’s a lot, a lot of things. It was as if I had a presentiment and said to Pyotr Ivanovich: “There’s something here for a reason, sir.” Yes. And Peter Ivanovich already blinked his finger and called the innkeeper, sir, the innkeeper Vlas: his wife gave birth to him three weeks ago, and such a lively boy will, just like his father, run the inn. Pyotr Ivanovich called Vlas and asked him quietly: “Who, he says, is this young man?” - and Vlas answers this: “This,” he says... Eh, don’t interrupt, Pyotr Ivanovich, please don’t interrupt; you won’t tell, by God you won’t tell: you whisper; you, I know, have one tooth whistling in your mouth... “This is, he says, a young man, an official,” yes, sir, “coming from St. Petersburg, and his last name, he says, is Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov, sir, but he’s going, he says, to the Saratov province and, he says, he attests himself in a very strange way: he’s been living for another week, he’s not leaving the tavern, he’s taking everything into his account and doesn’t want to pay a penny.” As he told me this, and so it was brought to my senses from above. "Eh!" - I say to Pyotr Ivanovich...
Dobchinsky No, Pyotr Ivanovich, it was I who said: “eh!”
Bobchinsky. First you said it, and then I said it too. “Eh!” said Pyotr Ivanovich and I. “Why should he sit here when his road lies to the Saratov province?” Yes, sir. But he is this official.
Mayor. Who, what official?
Bobchinsky. The official about whom you deigned to receive a notification is an auditor.
Mayor(in fear). What are you, God bless you! It's not him.
Dobchinsky. He! and he doesn’t pay money and doesn’t go. Who else should it be if not him? And the road ticket is registered in Saratov.
Bobchinsky. He, he, by God he... So observant: he examined everything. He saw that Pyotr Ivanovich and I were eating salmon, more because Pyotr Ivanovich was talking about his stomach... yes, he looked into our plates. I was filled with fear.
Mayor. Lord, have mercy on us sinners! Where does he live there?
Dobchinsky. In the fifth room, under the stairs.
Bobchinsky. In the same room where visiting officers fought last year.
Mayor. How long has he been here?
Dobchinsky. And it’s already two weeks. Came to see Vasily the Egyptian.
Mayor. Two weeks! (To the side.) Fathers, matchmakers! Bring it out, holy saints! In these two weeks the non-commissioned officer's wife was flogged! The prisoners were not given provisions! There's a tavern on the streets, it's unclean! A shame! vilification! (He grabs his head.)
Artemy Filippovich. Well, Anton Antonovich? - Parade to the hotel.
Ammos Fedorovich. No no! Put your head forward, the clergy, the merchants; here in the book "The Acts of John Mason" ...
Mayor. No no; let me do it myself. There have been difficult situations in life, we went, and even received thanks. Perhaps God will bear it now. (Addressing Bobchinsky.) You say he is a young man?
Bobchinsky. Young, about twenty-three or four years old.
Mayor. So much the better: you’ll get wind of the young man sooner. It’s a disaster if the old devil is the one who’s young and the one at the top. You, gentlemen, get ready for your part, and I will go on my own, or at least with Pyotr Ivanovich, privately, for a walk, to see if those passing by are in trouble. Hey Svistunov!
Svistunov. Anything?
Mayor. Go now for a private bailiff; or not, I need you. Tell someone there to send a private bailiff to me as soon as possible, and come here.
The quarterly runs in a hurry.
Artemy Filippovich. Let's go, let's go, Ammos Fedorovich! In fact, disaster can happen.
Ammos Fedorovich. What do you have to be afraid of? I put clean caps on the sick, and the ends were in the water.
Artemy Filippovich. What hubcaps! The patients were ordered to give gabersup, but I have such cabbage flying through all the corridors that you should only take care of your nose.
Ammos Fedorovich. And I’m calm about this. In fact, who will go to the district court? And even if he looks at some paper, he won’t be happy with life. I’ve been sitting on the judge’s chair for fifteen years now, and when I look at the memorandum – ah! I’ll just wave my hand. Solomon himself will not decide what is true and what is not true in it.
The judge, the trustee of charitable institutions, the superintendent of schools and the postmaster leave and at the door encounter the returning policeman.
Phenomenon IV
Mayor, Bobchinsky, Dobchinsky and quarterly.
Mayor. What, are there droshky parked there?
Quarterly. They are standing.
Mayor. Go outside... or no, wait! Go get it... But where are the others? are you really the only one? After all, I ordered that Prokhorov be here too. Where is Prokhorov?
Quarterly. Prokhorov is in a private house, but it cannot be used for business.
Mayor. How so?
Quarterly. Yes, so: they brought him dead in the morning. Two buckets of water have already been poured out, and I still haven’t sobered up.
Mayor(grabbing his head). Oh, my God, my God! Go outside quickly, or not - run into the room first, listen! and bring a sword and a new hat from there. Well, Pyotr Ivanovich, let's go!
Bobchinsky. And I, and I... let me too, Anton Antonovich!
Mayor. No, no, Pyotr Ivanovich, it’s impossible, it’s impossible! It’s awkward, and we won’t even fit on the droshky.
Bobchinsky. Nothing, nothing, I’ll run like a cockerel, like a cockerel, after the droshky. I would just like to peek a little through the door and see how he behaves...
Mayor(taking the sword to the policeman). Run now and take the tens, and let each of them take... Oh, the sword is so scratched! The damned merchant Abdulin sees that the mayor has an old sword, but did not send a new one. O wicked people! And so, scammers, I think they are preparing requests under the counter. Let everyone pick up a broom down the street... hell, down the street! and they would sweep the entire street that goes to the tavern, and sweep it clean... Do you hear! Look: you! You! I know you: you are thinking about yourself and stealing silver spoons into your boots - look, my ear is on the alert!.. What did you do with the merchant Chernyaev - huh? He gave you two arshins of cloth for your uniform, and you stole the whole thing. Look! You're not taking it according to rank! Go!
Mayor. Ah, Stepan Ilyich! Tell me, for God's sake: where have you gone? What does it look like?
Private bailiff. I was here just outside the gates.
Mayor. Well, listen, Stepan Ilyich. An official came from St. Petersburg. What did you do there?
Private bailiff. Yes, just as you ordered. I sent the quarterly Pugovitsyn with the tens to clean the sidewalk.
Mayor. Where is Derzhimorda?
Private bailiff. Derzhimorda rode on a fire pipe.
Mayor. Is Prokhorov drunk?
Private bailiff. Drunk.
Mayor. How did you let this happen?
Private bailiff. God knows. Yesterday there was a fight outside the city - I went there for order, but returned drunk.
Mayor. Listen, you do this: quarterly Pugovitsyn... he’s tall, so let him stand on the bridge for improvement. Yes, quickly sweep up the old fence that is near the shoemaker, and put up a straw pole, so that it looks like planning. The more it breaks, the more it means the activity of the city ruler. Oh my god! I forgot that near that fence there were forty carts of all sorts of rubbish piled up. What a nasty city this is! just put up some kind of monument or just a fence somewhere – God knows where they’ll come from and they’ll do all sorts of crap! (Sighs.) Yes, if a visiting official asks the service: are you satisfied? - so that they say: “Everything is happy, your honor”; and whoever is dissatisfied, then I will give him such displeasure... Oh, oh, ho, ho, x! sinful, sinful in many ways. (Takes a case instead of a hat.) God, just let it get away with it as soon as possible, and then I’ll put up a candle that no one has ever put up before: I’ll charge three pounds of wax for each of the merchant’s beasts. Oh my God, oh my God! Let's go, Pyotr Ivanovich! (Instead of a hat he wants to wear a paper case.)
Private bailiff. Anton Antonovich, this is a box, not a hat.
Mayor(throwing the box). A box is just a box. To hell with her! Yes, if they ask why a church was not built at a charitable institution, for which a sum was allocated a year ago, then do not forget to say that it began to be built, but burned down. I submitted a report about this. Otherwise, perhaps someone, having forgotten himself, will foolishly say that it never began. Yes, tell Derzhimorda not to give too much free rein to his fists; For the sake of order, he puts lights under everyone’s eyes – both the right and the wrong. Let's go, let's go, Pyotr Ivanovich! (He leaves and returns.) Don’t let the soldiers go out into the street without everything: this crappy guard will only put on a uniform over their shirt, and nothing underneath.
Everyone leaves.
Scene VI
Anna Andreevna and Marya Antonovna run onto the stage.
Anna Andreevna. Where, where are they? Oh, my God!.. (Opening the door.) Husband! Antosha! Anton! (Speaks soon.) And everything is you, and everything is behind you. And she went digging: “I have a pin, I have a scarf.” (Runs up to the window and shouts.) Anton, where, where? What, have you arrived? auditor? with a mustache! with what mustache?
The mayor's voice. After, after, mother!
Anna Andreevna. After? Here's the news - after! I don’t want after... I have only one word: what is he, colonel? A? (With disdain.) He left! I'll remember this for you! And all this: “Mama, mamma, wait, I’ll pin the scarf at the back; I’ll be there in a minute.” Here you go now! So you didn’t learn anything! And all the damned coquetry; I heard that the postmaster is here, and let’s pretend in front of the mirror: both from that side and from this side will come up. She imagines that he is trailing after her, and he just makes a grimace at you when you turn away.
Marya Antonovna. But what can we do, mummy? We'll know everything in two hours anyway.
Anna Andreevna. In two hours! I humbly thank you. Here I lent you an answer! How did you not think to say that in a month we can find out even better! (Hangs out the window.) Hey, Avdotya! A? What, Avdotya, did you hear that someone arrived there?.. Didn’t you hear? How stupid! Waving his arms? Let him wave, but you should still ask him. I couldn't find out! There is nonsense in my head, all the suitors are sitting. A? We're leaving soon! Yes, you should run after the droshky. Go, go now! Do you hear the runaways, ask where they went; Yes, ask carefully what kind of visitor he is, what he is like - do you hear? Look through the crack and find out everything, and whether the eyes are black or not, and come back this very minute, do you hear? Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry! (She screams until the curtain falls. So the curtain covers both of them standing at the window.)
ACT TWO
Small room in a hotel. Bed, table, suitcase, empty bottle, boots, clothes brush, etc.
Phenomenon I
Osip lies on the master's bed.
Damn it, I’m so hungry and there’s a chattering in my stomach as if a whole regiment had blown its trumpets. We won’t get there, and that’s all, home! What do you want me to do? The second month has passed, as already from St. Petersburg! He squandered some expensive money, my dear, now he sits with his tail curled up and doesn’t get excited. And it would be, and there would be a lot of use for runs; no, you see, you need to show yourself in every city! (Teases him.) “Hey, Osip, go look at the room, the best one, and ask for the best lunch: I can’t eat a bad lunch, I need the best lunch.” It would be nice if there really was something worthwhile, otherwise the little Elistratista is simple! He gets acquainted with a passing person, and then plays cards - now you’ve finished the game! Eh, I'm tired of this life! Really, it’s better in the countryside: at least there’s no publicity, and there’s less concern; take yourself a woman, and lie on the bed all your life and eat pies. Well, who can argue: of course, if you tell the truth, then living in St. Petersburg is best. If only there was money, but life is subtle and political: keyatras, dogs will dance for you, and whatever you want. He speaks everything in subtle delicacy, which is only inferior to the nobility; If you go to Shchukin, the merchants will shout to you: “Reverend!”; during transportation you will sit in a boat with an official; If you want company, go to the shop: there the gentleman will tell you about the camps and announce that every star means in the sky, so you can see everything in the palm of your hand. An old officer woman wanders in; Sometimes the maid will drop by like this... ugh, ugh, ugh! (Grins and shakes his head.) Haberdashery, damn it, treatment! You will never hear an impolite word, everyone says “you” to you. You get bored of walking - you take a cab and sit like a gentleman, and if you don’t want to pay him - if you please: every house has a through gate, and you sneak around so much that no devil will find you. One thing is bad: sometimes you’ll be well fed, but other times you’ll almost burst from hunger, like now, for example. And it's all his fault. What will you do with him? The priest will send money, something to hold it with - and where! .. he went on a spree: he drives a cab, every day you get a ticket to the key, and then a week later, lo and behold, he sends him to the flea market to sell a new tailcoat. Sometimes he'll take everything down to the last shirt, so all he'll be wearing is a little frock coat and an overcoat... By God, it's true! And the cloth is so important, English! One hundred and fifty rubles will cost him one tailcoat, but in the market he will sell it for twenty rubles; and there’s nothing to say about trousers - they don’t suit them at all. Why? - because he is not involved in business: instead of taking office, he goes for a walk around the precinct, plays cards. Oh, if only the old master knew this! He wouldn’t look at the fact that you were an official, but, lifting your shirt, he would shower you with such things, so that you would itch for four days. If you serve, then serve. Now the innkeeper said that I won’t give you anything to eat until you pay for what was before; Well, what if we don’t pay? (With a sigh.) Oh, my God, at least some cabbage soup! It seems like the whole world would be eaten by now. Knocking; That's right, he's coming. (Hastily gets out of bed.)
Phenomenon II
Osip and Khlestakov.
Khlestakov. Here, take it. (Hands over his cap and cane.) Oh, he was lying on the bed again?
Osip. But why should I lie around? Didn't I see the bed, or what?
Khlestakov. You're lying, lying around; you see, everything is squashed.
Osip. What do I need it for? Don't I know what a bed is? I have legs; I'll stand. Why do I need your bed?
Khlestakov(walks around the room). Look, is there any tobacco in the cap?
Osip. But where should it be, tobacco? You smoked your last cigarette on the fourth day.
Khlestakov(walks around and compresses his lips in various ways; finally speaks in a loud and decisive voice). Listen... hey, Osip!
Osip. What do you want?
Khlestakov(in a loud but not so decisive voice). You go there.
Osip. Where?
Khlestakov(in a voice that is not at all decisive and not loud, very close to a request). Down to the buffet... There, tell me... to give me lunch.
Osip. No, I don’t even want to go.
Khlestakov. How dare you, fool!
Osip. Yes so; anyway, even if I go, none of this will happen. The owner said that he would no longer give us lunch.
Khlestakov. How dare he refuse? What nonsense!
Osip.“Moreover,” he says, “I’ll go to the mayor; for the third week the master hasn’t paid any money. You and your master, he says, are swindlers, and your master is a rogue. They say, we’ve seen such swindlers and scoundrels.”
Khlestakov. And you’re really glad, you bastard, to tell me all this now.
Osip. He says: “This way, everyone will come, settle down, get into debt, and then you can’t kick them out. I, he says, won’t joke, I’ll just complain so that I can go to jail.”
Khlestakov. Well, well, fool, that's enough! Go, go tell him. Such a rude animal!
Osip. Yes, I’d better call the owner himself to come to you.
Khlestakov. What does the owner need? You go tell me yourself.
Osip. Yes, that's right, sir...
Khlestakov. Well, go, to hell with you! call the owner.
Scene III
Khlestakov one.
It's terrible how hungry you are! So I walked around a little, wondering if my appetite would go away, - no, damn it, it won’t. Yes, if I hadn’t gone on a spree in Penza, it would have cost me money to get home. The infantry captain greatly deceived me: the stosi are amazing, beast, cutting off. I only sat for about a quarter of an hour and robbed everything. And with all that fear, I would like to fight it again. The case just didn’t lead. What a nasty little town! In the green shops they don’t lend anything. This is just mean. (Whistles first from “Robert,” then “Don’t you tell me, mother,” and finally neither of these.) Nobody wants to go.
Phenomenon IV
Khlestakov, Osip and the tavern servant.
Servant. The owner ordered me to ask, what do you want?
Khlestakov. Hello, brother! Well, are you healthy?
Servant. God bless.
Khlestakov. Well, how is it at your hotel? is everything going well?
Servant. Yes, thank God, everything is fine.
Khlestakov. Are there a lot of people passing by?
Servant. Yes, enough.
Khlestakov. Listen, my dear, they still don’t bring me lunch there, so please hurry up, so that it’s as soon as possible - you see, now after lunch I need to do something.
Servant. Yes, the owner said that he would not let him go again. He certainly wanted to go and complain to the mayor today.
Khlestakov. Why complain? Judge for yourself, my dear, how? because I need to eat. This way I can become completely thin. I'm really hungry; I'm not saying this jokingly.
Servant. Yes, sir. He said: “I won’t give him dinner until he pays me for what I did before.” That was his answer.
Khlestakov. Yes, you reason, persuade him.
Servant. Why should he say that?
Khlestakov. You seriously explain to him that I need to eat. The money comes naturally... He thinks that just as he, a peasant, is okay if he doesn’t eat for a day, so is it for others too. Here's the news!
Servant. I guess I'll tell you.
Phenomenon V
Khlestakov one.
It’s bad, however, if he doesn’t give you anything to eat at all. I want it like I’ve never wanted it before. Is it possible to put something into circulation from the dress? Should I sell my pants? No, it’s better to go hungry and come home in a St. Petersburg suit. It’s a pity that Joachim didn’t rent a carriage, but it would be nice, damn it, to come home in a carriage, roll up like a devil under the porch of some neighboring landowner, with lanterns, and dress Osip in the back in livery. As if, I imagine, everyone was alarmed: “Who is this, what is this?” And the footman enters (stretches out and introduces the footman): “Ivan Aleksandrovich Khlestakov from St. Petersburg, would you like to receive me?” They idiots don’t even know what “order to accept” means. If some landowner goose comes to see them, the bear will come straight into the living room. You’ll approach some pretty daughter: “Madam, how am I...” (Rubs his hands and shuffles his foot.) Ugh! (spits) I even feel sick, I’m so hungry.
Scene VI
Khlestakov, Osip, then a servant.
Khlestakov.. And what?
Osip. They bring lunch.
Khlestakov(claps his hands and bounces slightly in his chair). They're carrying it! carry! carry!
Servant(with plates and napkin). The owner is giving for the last time.
Khlestakov. Well, master, master... I don't care about your master! What is there?
Servant. Soup and roast.
Khlestakov. What, only two dishes?
Servant. Only with.
Khlestakov. What nonsense! I don't accept this. You tell him: what this really is!.. This is not enough.
Servant. No, the owner says there are many more.
Khlestakov. Why isn't there sauce?
Servant. There is no sauce.
Khlestakov. Why not? I saw it myself, walking past the kitchen, there was a lot of cooking going on there. And in the dining room this morning, two short men were eating salmon and a lot of other things.
Servant. Yes it is, perhaps, but no.
Khlestakov. Why not?
Servant. No, no.
Khlestakov. What about salmon, what about fish, what about cutlets?
Servant. Yes, this is for those who are cleaner, sir.
Khlestakov. Oh, you fool!
Servant. Yes, sir.
Khlestakov. You're a nasty little pig... How come they eat and I don't eat? Why the hell can't I do the same? Aren't they just travelers like me?
Servant. Yes, we know that they are not like that.
Khlestakov. Which ones?
Servant. Absolutely what! They already know: they pay money.
Khlestakov. I'm with you, fool, I don't want to reason. (Pours soup and eats.) What kind of soup is this? You just poured water into a cup: there is no taste, it just stinks. I don't want this soup, give me another one.
Servant. We will accept, sir. The owner said: if you don’t want it, then you don’t need it.
Khlestakov(protecting the food with his hand). Well, well, well... leave it alone, you fool! You are used to treating others there: I, brother, am not of that kind! I don’t recommend it with me... (Eats.) My God, what soup! (Continues to eat.) I think no one in the world has ever eaten such soup: some feathers float instead of butter. (Cuts chicken.) Ay, ay, ay, what a chicken! Give me the roast! There is some soup left, Osip, take it for yourself. (Cuts the roast.) What kind of roast is this? It's not a roast.
Servant. So what is it?
Khlestakov. The devil knows what it is, but it's not hot. It's an ax roasted instead of beef. (Eats.) Fraudsters, scoundrels, what do they feed you! And your jaw will hurt if you eat one such piece. (Picks his teeth with his finger.) Scoundrels! Just like wooden bark, nothing can pull it out; and your teeth will turn black after these dishes. Fraudsters! (Wipes his mouth with a napkin.) Is there anything else?
Servant. No. Khlestakov. Kanaglia! scoundrels! and even at least some sauce or cake. Slackers! They only charge people passing by.
The servant cleans and takes away the plates along with Osip.
Scene VII
Khlestakov. Really, it was as if he hadn’t eaten; just got excited. If it were a small thing, I would send it to the market and buy at least a cod.
Osip(enters). For some reason, the mayor came there, inquired and asked about you.
Khlestakov(frightened). Here you go! What a beast of an innkeeper, he already managed to complain! What if he actually drags me to jail? Well, if in a noble way, I guess... no, no, I don’t want to! There are officers and people wandering around the city, and I, as if on purpose, set the tone and winked at one merchant’s daughter... No, I don’t want to... But what, how dare he really? What am I to him, a merchant or an artisan? (He cheers up and straightens up.) Yes, I’ll tell him straight out: “How dare you, how do you...” (The handle turns at the door; Khlestakov turns pale and shrinks.)
Scene VIII
Khlestakov, mayor and Dobchinsky. The mayor, entering, stops. Both look at each other in fear for several minutes, their eyes bulging.
Mayor(recovering a little and stretching his hands along the seams). I wish you good health!
Khlestakov(bows). My regards...
Mayor. Sorry.
Khlestakov. Nothing...
Mayor. It is my duty, as the mayor of this city, to ensure that there is no harassment to travelers and all noble people...
Khlestakov(at first he stutters a little, but by the end of the speech he speaks loudly). So what can we do? It’s not my fault... I’ll really pay... They’ll send it to me from the village.
Bobchinsky looks out of the door.
He is more to blame: he serves me beef as hard as a log; and the soup - God knows what he splashed in there, I had to throw it out the window. He starves me for days on end... The tea is so strange, it smells like fish, not tea. Why am I... Here's the news!
Mayor(timid). Sorry, it's really not my fault. The beef at my market is always good. They are brought by Kholmogory merchants, people who are sober and of good behavior. I don't know where he gets one from. And if something goes wrong, then... Let me invite you to move with me to another apartment.
Khlestakov. No I do not want to! I know what it means to go to another apartment: that is, to prison. What right do you have? How dare you?.. Yes, here I am... I serve in St. Petersburg. (Being cheerful.) I, I, I...
Mayor(to the side). Oh my God, so angry! I found out everything, the damned merchants told everything!
Khlestakov(bravely). Even if you’re here with your whole team, I won’t go! I'm going straight to the minister! (He hits the table with his fist.) What are you doing? What do you?
Mayor(stretched out and trembling all over). Have mercy, don't destroy! Wife, small children... don’t make a person unhappy.
Khlestakov. No I do not want! Here's another? What do I care? Because you have a wife and children, I have to go to prison, that’s great!
Bobchinsky looks out the door and hides in fear.
No, thank you humbly, I don’t want to.
Mayor(trembling). Due to inexperience, by golly due to inexperience. Insufficient wealth... Judge for yourself: the government salary is not enough even for tea and sugar. If there were any bribes, it was very small: something for the table and a couple of dresses. As for the non-commissioned officer's widow, a merchant, whom I allegedly flogged, this is slander, by God, slander. My villains invented this; These are the kind of people who are ready to make an attempt on my life.
Khlestakov. What? I don't care about them. (In thought.) I don’t know, however, why are you talking about villains or about some non-commissioned officer’s widow... A non-commissioned officer’s wife is completely different, but you don’t dare flog me, you’re far from that... Here's another! Look at you!.. I will pay, I will pay money, but now I don’t have it. The reason I'm sitting here is because I don't have a penny.
Mayor(to the side). Oh, subtle thing! Where did he throw it? what a fog he brought in! find out who wants it! You don’t know which side to take. Well, there’s no point in trying! What will happen will happen, try it at random. (Aloud.) If you definitely need money or something else, then I am ready to serve for a minute. My duty is to help those passing by.
Khlestakov. Give me, lend me! I'll pay the innkeeper right now. I would only like two hundred rubles or even less.
Mayor(bringing up the papers). Exactly two hundred rubles, although don’t bother counting.
Khlestakov(accepting money). Thank you most humbly. I’ll send them to you from the village right away... it suddenly happened to me... I see you are a noble man. Now it's a different matter.
Mayor(to the side). Well, thank God! took the money. Things seem to be going well now. I gave him two hundred and four hundred instead.
Khlestakov. Hey Osip!
Osip enters.
Call the tavern servant here! (To the mayor and Dobchinsky.) Why are you standing there? Do me a favor and sit down. (To Dobchinsky.) Sit down, I humbly ask.
Mayor. It’s okay, we’ll stand there anyway.
Khlestakov. Do me a favor and sit down. I now see the complete frankness of your character and cordiality, otherwise, I confess, I already thought that you had come to me... (to Dobchinsky.) Sit down.
The mayor and Dobchinsky sit down. Bobchinsky looks out the door and listens.
Mayor(to the side). You need to be bolder. He wants to be considered incognito. Okay, let’s let the Turuses in too; Let's pretend as if we don't even know what kind of person he is. (Aloud.) Walking around on official business, I and Pyotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky, a local landowner, purposely went into the hotel to inquire whether travelers were well-kept, because I’m not like another mayor who doesn’t care about anything; but, in addition to the position, I also, out of Christian philanthropy, want every mortal to be given a good welcome - and now, as if as a reward, chance brought such a pleasant acquaintance.
Khlestakov. I am also very happy myself. Without you, I admit, I would have sat here for a long time: I didn’t know at all how to pay.
Mayor(to the side). Yes, tell me, you didn’t know how to pay? (Aloud.) Dare I ask: where and to what places would you like to go?
Khlestakov. I'm going to the Saratov province, to my own village.
Mayor(to the side, with a face taking on an ironic expression). To the Saratov province! A? and won't blush! Oh, yes, you need to keep your eyes open with him. (Aloud.) They deigned to undertake a good deed. After all, regarding the road: they say, on the one hand, there are troubles about the delay of the horses, but, on the other hand, it’s entertainment for the mind. After all, you, tea, are traveling more for your own pleasure?
Khlestakov. No, my father demands me. The old man was angry that he had still not achieved anything in St. Petersburg. He thinks that this is how he came and now they’ll give you Vladimir in your buttonhole. No, I would send him to hang out in the office himself.
Mayor(to the side). Please look at the bullets it casts! and dragged in the old father! (Aloud.) And do you want to go for a long time?
Khlestakov. Really, I don't know. After all, my father is stubborn and stupid, an old horseradish, like a log. I’ll tell him straight out: whatever you want, I can’t live without St. Petersburg. Why, really, should I ruin my life with men? Now the needs are not the same, my soul thirsts for enlightenment.
Mayor(to the side). Nicely tied the knot! He lies, he lies, and he never stops! But what a nondescript, short one, it seems that he would have crushed him with a fingernail. Well, yes, wait, you’ll let me slip. I'll make you tell me more! (Aloud.) You were right to note. What can you do in the middle of nowhere? After all, at least here: you don’t sleep at night, you try for the fatherland, you don’t regret anything, but the reward is unknown when it will come. (Looks around the room.) Does this room seem a little damp?
Khlestakov. It's a nasty room, and there are bedbugs like I've never seen anywhere: like dogs that bite.
Mayor. Tell! such an enlightened guest, and he suffers - from whom? - from some worthless bugs that should never have been born. No way, is it even dark in this room?
Khlestakov. Yes, it's completely dark. The owner made it a habit not to let go of the candles. Sometimes I want to do something, read something, or the fantasy of composing something comes, but I can’t: it’s dark, dark.
Mayor. Dare I ask you... but no, I'm not worthy.
Khlestakov. And what?
Mayor. No, no, unworthy, unworthy!
Khlestakov. So what is it?
Mayor. I would dare... I have a wonderful room in my house for you, bright, peaceful... But no, I feel it myself, this is too great an honor... Don’t be angry - by God, he offered it from the simplicity of his soul.
Khlestakov. On the contrary, if you please, it’s my pleasure. I feel much more comfortable in a private house than in this tavern.
Mayor. And I will be so glad! And how happy the wife will be! I already have such a disposition: hospitality since childhood, especially if the guest is an enlightened person. Don't think I'm saying this out of flattery; No, I don’t have this vice, I express myself from the fullness of my soul.
Khlestakov. I humbly thank you. Me too – I don’t like two-faced people. I really like your frankness and cordiality, and I confess that I would not ask for anything more as soon as you show me devotion and respect, respect and devotion.
Scene IX
The same is the tavern servant, accompanied by Osip. Bobchinsky looks out the door.
Servant. Did you want to ask?
Khlestakov. Yes; submit the bill.
Servant. I just gave you another bill.
Khlestakov. I don't remember your stupid bills. Tell me, how many are there?
Servant. On the first day you deigned to ask for lunch, and the next day you just ate salmon and then went to borrow everything.
Khlestakov. Fool! I started to do the calculations. How much in total?
Mayor. Don't worry, he'll wait. (To the servant.) Get out, they'll send it to you.
Khlestakov. In fact, that’s true too. (Hides the money.)
The servant leaves. Bobchinsky looks out the door.
Event X
Mayor, Khlestakov, Dobchinsky.
Mayor. Would you like to now inspect some establishments in our city, some of them pleasing to God and others?
Khlestakov. What is it?
Mayor. And so, look at the flow of things we have... what order...
Khlestakov. With great pleasure, I'm ready.
Bobchinsky sticks his head out the door.
Mayor. Also, if you wish, go from there to the district school to inspect the order in which science is taught here.
Khlestakov. If you please, if you please.
Mayor. Then, if you want to visit the prison and city prisons, consider how criminals are kept here.
Khlestakov. But why prisons? It would be better if we took a look at the charitable establishments.
Mayor. As you please. What do you intend to do: in your carriage or with me on the droshky?
Khlestakov. Yes, I’d rather go with you in the droshky.
Mayor.(Dobchinsky). Well, Pyotr Ivanovich, there is no place for you now.
Dobchinsky. Nothing, I am.
Mayor(quietly to Dobchinsky). Listen: you will run, run, as fast as you can and take two notes: one to the charitable establishment of Strawberry, and the other to his wife. (To Khlestakov) Do I dare ask permission to write one line to my wife in your presence, so that she prepares to receive the honorable guest?
Khlestakov. But why?.. But by the way, there’s ink here, just paper - I don’t know... Is it on this account?
Mayor. I'll write here. (He writes and at the same time speaks to himself.) But let's see how things go after a frishtik and a bottle of fat belly! Yes, we have a provincial Madeira: unsightly in appearance, but it would knock an elephant down. If only I could find out what he is and to what extent I should be afraid of him. (Having written, he gives it to Dobchinsky, who approaches the door, but at this time the door breaks, and Bobchinsky, who was eavesdropping on the other side, flies onto the stage with it. Everyone makes exclamations. Bobchinsky gets up.)
Khlestakov. What? Have you hurt yourself somewhere?
Bobchinsky. Nothing, nothing, sir, without any insanity, just a small mark on the top of the nose! I’ll run to Christian Ivanovich: he has a plaster like this, and that’s how it will go away.
Mayor(making a reproachful sign to Bobchinsky, to Khlestakov). That's okay. I beg you most humbly, please! And I’ll tell your servant to move the suitcase. (To Osip.) Dearest, bring everything to me, to the mayor, and everyone will show you. I ask you most humbly! (He lets Khlestakov go ahead and follows him, but turning around, he speaks reproachfully to Bobchinsky.) And you too! couldn't find another place to fall! And he stretched out like hell knows what. (Leaves; Bobchinsky follows.)
ACT THREE
Phenomenon I
Anna Andreevna and Marya Antonovna stand at the window in the same positions.
Anna Andreevna. Well, we’ve been waiting for a whole hour, and all you do is with your stupid affectation: you’re completely dressed, no, you still need to dig around... It would be to not listen to her at all. What a shame! as if on purpose, not a soul! as if everything had died out.
Marya Antonovna. Yes, really, mama, in two minutes we’ll find out everything. Avdotya should come soon. (He peers out the window and screams.) Oh, mummy, mummy! someone is coming, over there at the end of the street.
Anna Andreevna. Where does it go? You always have some kind of fantasy. Well, yes, it goes. Who is it coming? Small in stature... in a tailcoat... Who is this? A? This, however, is annoying! Who would it be?
Marya Antonovna. This is Dobchinsky, mama.
Anna Andreevna. Which Dobchinsky? You always suddenly imagine something like this... Not Dobchinsky at all. (Waves a handkerchief.) Hey, come here! quicker!
Marya Antonovna. Really, mama, Dobchinsky.
Anna Andreevna. Well, on purpose, just to argue. They tell you - not Dobchinsky.
Marya Antonovna. And what? and what, mummy? You see that Dobchinsky.
Anna Andreevna. Well, yes, Dobchinsky, now I see - why are you arguing? (Screams out the window.) Hurry, hurry! you walk quietly. Well, where are they? A? Yes, speak from there - it doesn’t matter. What? very strict? A? And the husband, the husband? (Stepping back a little from the window, with annoyance.) So stupid: until he enters the room, he won’t tell anything!
Phenomenon II
Same with Dobchinsky.
Anna Andreevna. Well, please tell me: aren’t you ashamed? I relied on you alone as a decent person: everyone suddenly ran out, and you followed them! and I still can’t get any sense from anyone. Aren't you ashamed? I baptized your Vanechka and Lizanka, and this is what you did to me!
Dobchinsky. By God, the gossip, I ran so fast to pay my respects that I can’t take my breath away. My respect, Marya Antonovna!
Marya Antonovna. Hello, Pyotr Ivanovich!
Anna Andreevna. Well? Well, tell me: what and how is it?
Dobchinsky. Anton Antonovich sent you a note.
Anna Andreevna. Well, who is he? General?
Dobchinsky. No, not a general, but will not yield to a general: such education and important actions, sir.
Anna Andreevna. A! so this is the one about which it was written to my husband.
Dobchinsky. Real. I was the first to discover this together with Pyotr Ivanovich.
Anna Andreevna. Well, tell me: what and how?
Dobchinsky. Yes, thank God, everything is fine. At first he received Anton Antonovich a little harshly, yes, sir; he got angry and said that everything was bad in the hotel, and he wouldn’t come to him, and that he didn’t want to go to prison for him; but then, as soon as I learned of Anton Antonovich’s innocence and had a brief conversation with him, I immediately changed my thoughts, and, thank God, everything went well. They now went to inspect charitable institutions... Otherwise, I admit, Anton Antonovich was already thinking whether there had been a secret denunciation; I also freaked out a little myself.
Anna Andreevna. What do you have to be afraid of? because you are not serving.
Dobchinsky. Yes, you know, when a nobleman speaks, you feel fear.
Anna Andreevna. Well... this is all nonsense, however. Tell me, what is he like? What, old or young?
Dobchinsky. Young, young man; about twenty-three years old: but he speaks just like an old man: “If you please,” he says, I’ll go both here and there...” (waves his hands) it’s all so nice. “I love to write and read,” he says, “but it bothers me that the room,” he says, “is a little dark.”
Anna Andreevna. What is he like: brunette or blond?
Dobchinsky. No, more like a chantret, and the eyes are so quick, like animals, they even make you feel embarrassed.
Anna Andreevna. What is he writing to me in this note? (Reads.) “I hasten to inform you, darling, that my condition was very sad, but, trusting in God’s mercy, for two pickled cucumbers especially and for half a portion of caviar, a ruble twenty-five kopecks...” (Stops.) I don’t understand anything. , why are there pickles and caviar?
Dobchinsky. Oh, this is Anton Antonovich who wrote on rough paper at speed: this is how some kind of account was written.
Anna Andreevna. Oh, yes, exactly. (Continues to read.) “But, trusting in God’s mercy, it seems that everything will come to a good end. Prepare as soon as possible a room for an important guest, the one that is pasted with yellow pieces of paper; don’t bother adding to dinner, because we’ll have a snack at Artemy Filippovich’s charitable establishment , and they brought more guilt; tell the merchant Abdulin to send the best, otherwise I will rummage through his entire cellar. Kissing, darling, your hand, I remain yours: Anton Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky..." Oh, my God! However, this needs to happen quickly! Hey, who's there? Bear!
Dobchinsky(runs and shouts at the door). Bear! Bear! Bear!
The bear comes in.
Anna Andreevna. Listen: run to the merchant Abdulin... wait, I’ll give you a note (sits down at the table, writes a note and meanwhile says): give this note to the coachman Sidor, so that he can run with it to the merchant Abdulin and bring wine from there. Now go and clean up this guest room properly. Place a bed, washbasin, etc. there.
Dobchinsky. Well, Anna Andreevna, I’ll run now as quickly as possible to see how he’s looking around there.
Anna Andreevna. Go, go! I'm not holding you.
Scene III
Anna Andreevna. Well, Mashenka, we now need to get to the toilet. He’s a metropolitan creature: God forbid he makes fun of something. It would be best for you to wear your blue dress with small frills.
Marya Antonovna. Fi, mama, blue! I don’t like it at all: Lyapkina-Tyapkina wears blue, and Zemlyanika’s daughter wears blue. No, I'd rather wear a colored one.
Anna Andreevna. Colored!.. Really, you say - if only in defiance. It will be much better for you, because I want to wear a fawn one; I really love fawn.
Marya Antonovna. Oh, mummy, fawn doesn’t suit you!
Anna Andreevna. I don't like fawn?
Marya Antonovna. It won’t, I’ll give you anything, it won’t: for this you need your eyes to be completely dark.
Anna Andreevna. That's good! Aren't my eyes dark? the darkest. What nonsense he says! How can they not be dark, when I always guess to myself about the queen of clubs?
Marya Antonovna. Ah, mummy! you are more of a queen of hearts.
Anna Andreevna. Nonsense, complete nonsense! I have never been the queen of hearts. (He hurriedly leaves with Marya Antonovna and speaks behind the scenes.) Suddenly something like this is imagined! Queen of Hearts! God knows what it is!
After they leave, the doors open and Mishka throws out the rubbish. Osip comes out of other doors with a suitcase on his head.
Phenomenon IV
Mishka and Osip.
Osip. Where to here?
Bear. Here, uncle, here.
Osip. Wait, let me rest first. Oh, you miserable life! On an empty belly, every burden seems heavy.
Bear. What, uncle, tell me: will there be a general soon?
Osip. Which general?
Bear. Yes, your master.
Osip. Master? What kind of general is he?
Bear. Isn't it a general?
Osip. General, but only from the other side.
Bear. Well, is this more or less than a real general?
Osip. More.
Bear. See how! That's why we started a turmoil.
Osip. Listen, little guy: I see you are a nimble guy; cook something to eat there.
Bear. Yes, uncle, nothing is ready for you yet. You won’t eat simple dishes, but when your master sits down at the table, you will be given the same food.
Osip. Well, what simple things do you have?
Bear. Cabbage soup, porridge and pies.
Osip. Give them, cabbage soup, porridge and pies! It’s okay, we’ll all eat. Well, let's carry the suitcase! What, is there another way out?
Bear. Eat.
They both carry the suitcase into the side room.
Phenomenon V
The guards open both halves of the doors. Khlestakov enters: followed by the mayor, then the trustee of charitable institutions, the superintendent of schools, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky with a plaster on his nose. The mayor points out to the quarterly a piece of paper on the floor - they run and take it off, pushing each other in a hurry.
Khlestakov. Nice places. I like that you show people passing by everything in the city. In other cities they didn’t show me anything.
Mayor. In other cities, I dare to report to you, city governors and officials care more about their own, that is, benefit. And here, one might say, there is no other thought than to earn the attention of the authorities through decorum and vigilance.
Khlestakov. Breakfast was very good; I'm completely stuffed. What, does this happen to you every day?
Mayor. Especially for a pleasant guest.
Khlestakov. I like to eat. After all, you live to pick flowers of pleasure. What was the name of this fish?
Artemy Filippovich(running up). Labardan, sir.
Khlestakov. Very tasty. Where did we have breakfast? in the hospital, or what?
Artemy Filippovich. That's right, sir, in a charitable institution.
Khlestakov. I remember, I remember, there were beds there. Have the sick recovered? There don't seem to be many of them there.
Artemy Filippovich. There are ten people left, no more; and the rest all recovered. This is just the way it is, this is the order. Since I took over, it may even seem incredible to you that everyone has been recovering like flies. The sick person will not have time to enter the infirmary before he is already healthy; and not so much with medications, but with honesty and order.
Mayor. Why, I dare to tell you, the responsibility of a mayor is puzzling! There are so many things to do, just about cleanliness, repairs, corrections... in a word, the smartest person would be in difficulty, but, thank God, everything is going well. Another mayor, of course, would be concerned about his own benefits; but do you believe that even when you go to bed, you keep thinking: “My God, how can I arrange it so that the authorities see my jealousy and have enough?..” Whether he rewards or not is, of course, in his will; at least I will be at peace in my heart. When everything is in order in the city, the streets are swept, the prisoners are well maintained, there are few drunkards... then what more do I need? By all means, I don’t want any honors. It is, of course, tempting, but before virtue all is dust and vanity.
Artemy Filippovich(to the side). Eka, the slacker, what a description! God gave such a gift!
Khlestakov. This is true. I admit, I myself sometimes like to get lost in thought: sometimes in prose, and other times even poems will be thrown out.
Bobchinsky(Dobchinsky). Fair, everything is fair, Pyotr Ivanovich! These are the comments... it’s clear that he studied science.
Khlestakov. Tell me, please, do you have any entertainment or societies where you could, for example, play cards?
Mayor(to the side). Hey, we know, my dear, into whose garden they throw pebbles! (Aloud.) God forbid! There is no rumor of such societies here. I have never picked up cards; I don't even know how to play these cards. I could never look at them indifferently; and if you happen to see some king of diamonds or something else, you will be so disgusted that you will simply spit. Once it happened, while amusing the children, I built a booth out of cards, and after that I dreamed all night about the damned ones. God be with them! How can you waste such precious time on them?
Luka Lukic(to the side). And the scoundrel gave me a hundred rubles yesterday.
Mayor. I’d rather use this time for the benefit of the state.
Khlestakov. Well, no, you are in vain, however... It all depends on the side from which one looks at a thing. If, for example, you go on strike then, as you need to bend from three corners... well, then of course... No, don’t say it, sometimes it’s very tempting to play.
Scene VI
The same ones, Anna Andreevna and Marya Antonovna.
Mayor. I dare to introduce my family: my wife and daughter.
Khlestakov(bows). How happy I am, madam, that I have the pleasure of seeing you.
Anna Andreevna. We are even more pleased to see such a person.
Khlestakov(showing off). For mercy, madam, it’s quite the opposite: it’s even more pleasant for me.
Anna Andreevna. How is it possible, sir! You say this like that as a compliment. Please humbly sit down.
Khlestakov. Standing next to you is already happiness; however, if you absolutely want it, I’ll sit down. How happy I am to finally be sitting next to you.
Anna Andreevna. For mercy, I don’t dare take it personally... I think after the capital the trip seemed very unpleasant to you.
Khlestakov. Extremely unpleasant. Accustomed to living, comprenez vous, in the world, and suddenly finding myself on the road: dirty taverns, the darkness of ignorance... If only, I confess, it wasn’t such an opportunity that I... (looks at Anna Andreevna and shows off in front of her) had rewarded me so much for All...
Anna Andreevna. Really, how unpleasant it must be for you.
Khlestakov. However, madam, at this moment I am very pleased.
Anna Andreevna. How is it possible, sir! You do a lot of credit. I do not deserve this.
Khlestakov. Why don't you deserve it?
Anna Andreevna. I live in the village...
Khlestakov. Yes, the village, however, also has its hills, streams... Well, of course, who can compare it with St. Petersburg! Eh, Petersburg! what a life, really! You may think that I am only rewriting; no, the head of the department is on friendly terms with me. This way he will hit you on the shoulder: “Come, brother, for dinner!” I only go into the department for two minutes, just to say: “It’s like this, it’s like this!” And there was an official for writing, a kind of rat, with only a pen - tr, tr... he went to write. They even wanted to make me a collegiate assessor, yes, I think why. And the watchman is still flying on the stairs after me with a brush: “Allow me, Ivan Alexandrovich, I’ll clean your boots,” he says. (To the mayor.) Why are you, gentlemen, standing? Please sit down!
Together:
Mayor. The rank is such that you can still stand.
Artemy Filippovich. We'll stand.
Luka Lukic. Don't worry.
Khlestakov. Without rank, please sit down.
The mayor and everyone sit down.
Khlestakov. I don't like ceremonies. On the contrary, I even always try to slip through unnoticed. But there is no way to hide, no way! As soon as I go out somewhere, they say: “There, they say, Ivan Alexandrovich is coming!” And once I was even mistaken for the commander-in-chief: the soldiers jumped out of the guardhouse and pointed at me with a gun. Afterwards, an officer who is very familiar to me says to me: “Well, brother, we completely mistook you for the commander-in-chief.”
Anna Andreevna. Tell me how!
Khlestakov. I know pretty actresses. After all, I, too, are various vaudeville performers... I often see writers. On friendly terms with Pushkin. I used to often say to him: “Well, brother Pushkin?” “Yes, brother,” he would answer, “that’s how everything is…” Great original.
Anna Andreevna. Is that how you write? How pleasant this must be for a writer! You also publish them in magazines, right?
Khlestakov. Yes, I put them in magazines too. However, there are many of my works: “The Marriage of Figaro”, “Robert the Devil”, “Norma”. I don’t even remember the names. And it all happened: I didn’t want to write, but the theater management said: “Please, brother, write something.” I think to myself: “Perhaps, if you please, brother!” And then in one evening, it seems, I wrote everything, astonishing everyone. I have an extraordinary lightness in my thoughts. All this that was under the name of Baron Brambeus, “Frigate of Hope” and “Moscow Telegraph”... I wrote all this.
Anna Andreevna. Tell me, were you Brambeus?
Khlestakov. Well, I correct the articles for all of them. Smirdin gives me forty thousand for this.
Anna Andreevna. So, right, “Yuri Miloslavsky” is your composition?
Khlestakov. Yes, this is my essay.
Marya Antonovna. Oh, mamma, it says there that this is Mr. Zagoskin’s essay.
Anna Andreevna. Well, I knew that even here you would argue.
Khlestakov. Oh yes, it’s true, it’s definitely Zagoskina; but there is another “Yuri Miloslavsky”, so that one is mine.
Anna Andreevna. Well, that's right, I read yours. How well written!
Khlestakov. I admit, I exist by literature. This is my first house in St. Petersburg. It’s so well known: the house of Ivan Alexandrovich. (Addressing everyone.) Please, gentlemen, if you are in St. Petersburg, please, please come to me. I also give points.
Anna Andreevna. I think with what taste and splendor they give balls there!
Khlestakov. Just don't talk. On the table, for example, there is a watermelon - a watermelon costs seven hundred rubles. The soup in a saucepan arrived straight from Paris on the boat; open the lid - steam, the like of which cannot be found in nature. I'm at balls every day. There we had our own whist: the Minister of Foreign Affairs, the French envoy, the English, the German envoy and me. And you’ll be so tired of playing that it’s simply not like anything else. As you run up the stairs to your fourth floor, you just say to the cook: “Here, Mavrushka, overcoat...” Why am I lying - I forgot that I live on the mezzanine. I have only one staircase... But it’s curious to look into my hallway when I haven’t woken up yet: counts and princes are milling around and buzzing there like bumblebees, all you can hear is: w... w... w... Another once again the minister...
The mayor and others timidly rise from their chairs.
They even write on the packages: “Your Excellency.” Once I even managed a department. And it’s strange: the director left, it’s unknown where he went. Well, naturally, rumors began: how, what, who should take the place? Many of the generals were hunters and took on, but it happened that they would approach - no, it was tricky. It seems easy to look at, but when you look at it, it’s just damn! After they see, there is nothing to do - come to me. And at that very moment there were couriers, couriers, couriers on the streets... can you imagine, thirty-five thousand couriers alone! What is the situation? - I'm asking. “Ivan Alexandrovich, go manage the department!” I admit, I was a little embarrassed, I came out in a dressing gown: I wanted to refuse, but I think: it will reach the sovereign, well, and the track record too... “If you please, gentlemen, I accept the position, I accept, I say, so be it, I say, I accept, only from me: no, no, no!.. My ear is already on the alert! I’m already..." And for sure: sometimes, as I was passing through the department, there was just an earthquake, everything was trembling and shaking like a leaf.
The mayor and others are shaking with fear. Khlestakov gets even more excited.
ABOUT! I don't like to joke. I gave them all a lesson. The State Council itself is afraid of me. What really? That's who I am! I don’t look at anyone... I tell everyone: “I know myself, myself.” I'm everywhere, everywhere. I go to the palace every day. Tomorrow I will be promoted to field marshal... (He slips and almost falls on the floor, but is respectfully supported by the officials.)
Mayor(approaching and shaking his whole body, he tries to speak out). And wa-wa-wa... wa...
Khlestakov(in a fast, abrupt voice). What's happened?
Mayor. And wa-wa-wa... wa...
Khlestakov(same voice). I can’t understand anything, it’s all nonsense.
Mayor. Va-va-va... procession, Excellency, would you like to order me to rest?.. here is the room, and everything you need.
Khlestakov. Nonsense - rest. If you please, I'm ready to rest. Your breakfast, gentlemen, is good... I'm satisfied, I'm satisfied. (With recitation.) Labardan! Labardan! (He enters the side room, followed by the mayor.)
Scene VII
The same, except for Khlestakov and the mayor.
Bobchinsky(Dobchinsky). What a man, Pyotr Ivanovich! This is what man means! I had never been in the presence of such an important person in my life, and I almost died of fear. What do you think, Pyotr Ivanovich, who is he in the reasoning of the rank?
Dobchinsky. I think almost a general.
Bobchinsky. And I think that the general will not hold a candle to him! and when he is a general, then perhaps he is the generalissimo himself. Have you heard: how did the State Council press you? Let's go and tell Ammos Fedorovich and Korobkin as soon as possible. Goodbye, Anna Andreevna!
Dobchinsky. Goodbye, gossip!
Both leave.
Artemy Filippovich(Luka Lukic). It's just scary. And why, you yourself don’t know. And we're not even in uniform. Well, how can you sleep it off and let a report arrive in St. Petersburg? (He leaves thoughtfully with the superintendent of the schools, saying:) Farewell, madam!
Scene VIII
Anna Andreevna and Marya Antonovna.
Anna Andreevna. Oh, how nice!
Marya Antonovna. Oh, what a cutie!
Anna Andreevna. But what a subtle appeal! Now you can see the capital thing. Techniques and all this... Oh, how good! I absolutely love such young people! I'm just out of memory. However, he really liked me: I noticed that he kept looking at me.
Marya Antonovna. Oh, mamma, he was looking at me!
Anna Andreevna. Please, stay away from your nonsense! This is not at all appropriate here.
Marya Antonovna. No, mama, really!
Anna Andreevna. Here you go! God forbid, so as not to argue! It’s impossible, and that’s complete! Where should he look at you? And why on earth would he look at you?
Marya Antonovna. Really, mama, I watched everything. And as he began to talk about literature, he looked at me, and then, when he was telling how he played whist with the envoys, and then he looked at me.
Anna Andreevna. Well, maybe just once, and even then just that, if only. “Oh,” he says to himself, “let me look at her!”
Scene IX
The same goes for the mayor.
Mayor(enters on tiptoe). Shh... sh...
Anna Andreevna. What?
Mayor. And I’m not glad that I got him drunk. Well, what if at least half of what he said was true? (Thinks.) How could it not be true? Having taken a walk, a person brings everything out: what is in his heart is also on his tongue. Of course, I lied a little; but no speech is made without lying down. He plays with the ministers and goes to the palace... So, really, the more you think... the devil knows, you don’t know what’s going on in your head; it’s just as if you’re either standing on some bell tower, or they want to hang you.
Anna Andreevna. But I didn’t feel any timidity at all; I saw in him an educated, secular, high-class person, but I don’t even need to talk about his ranks.
Mayor. Well, you are women! It's over, this one word is enough! All of you are tricks! Suddenly they blurt out a word from neither one nor the other. You will be flogged, and that’s all, but remember your husband’s name. You, my soul, treated him so freely, as if with some Dobchinsky.
Anna Andreevna. I advise you not to worry about this. We know something like this... (Looks at his daughter.) Mayor(one). Well, let’s talk to you!.. What an opportunity indeed! I still can’t wake up from fear. (Opens the door and speaks into the door.) Mishka, call the police officers Svistunov and Derzhimorda: they are not far from here, somewhere outside the gate. (After a short silence.) Everything has turned out wonderfully in the world now: even if the people were already prominent, otherwise they are thin, thin - how do you recognize them, who they are? Even a military man still looks like himself, but when he puts on a coat, he looks like a fly with clipped wings. But just now he was attached to the tavern for a long time, making such allegories and jokes that, it seems, a century would not have achieved any sense. But finally he gave in. And he said more than he needed to. It is clear that the man is young.
Event X
Same with Osip. Everyone runs towards him, nodding their fingers.
Anna Andreevna. Come here, my dear!
Mayor. Shh!.. what? What? sleeping?
Osip. Not yet, he's stretching a little.
Anna Andreevna. Listen, what's your name?
Osip. Osip, madam.
Mayor(wife and daughter). It's enough, it's enough for you! (To Osip.) Well, friend, were you well fed?
Osip. We fed you, I humbly thank you; well fed.
Anna Andreevna. Well, tell me: I think too many counts and princes come to see your master?
Osip(to the side). What to say? If you have now been fed well, it means that later you will be fed even better. (Aloud.) Yes, there are also graphs.
Marya Antonovna. Darling Osip, what a handsome gentleman you are!
Anna Andreevna. So, please tell me, Osip, how is he...
Mayor. Stop it, please! You are only bothering me with such empty speeches! Well, friend?..
Anna Andreevna. What rank does your master have?
Osip. What is the rank usually?
Mayor. Oh, my God, all of you with your stupid questions! don't let anyone talk about the matter. Well, friend, how is your master?.. strict? does he like to scold him like that or not?
Osip. Yes, he loves order. He wants everything to be in order.
Mayor. And I really like your face. Friend, you must be a good person. Well...
Anna Andreevna. Listen, Osip, how does your master walk around there in a uniform, or...
Mayor. Enough of you, really, what rattles! Here is the necessary thing: it’s about a person’s life... (To Osip.) Well, friend, really, I really like you. On the road, it doesn’t hurt, you know, to drink an extra glass of tea - it’s a little cold now. So here's a couple of rubles for your tip.
Osip(accepting the money.) And I humbly thank you, sir. God bless you with every health! poor man, help him.
Mayor. Okay, okay, I'm glad myself. What, friend...
Anna Andreevna. Listen, Osip, which eyes does your master like best?
Marya Antonovna. Osip, darling, what a cute little nose your master has!..
Mayor. Wait, give it to me!.. (To Osip.) Well, friend, please tell me: what does your master pay more attention to, that is, what does he like best on the road?
Osip. He loves, according to consideration, whatever it takes. Most of all he loves to be received well and to have a good treat.
Mayor. Good?
Osip. Yes, good. That’s what I’m a serf, but he also makes sure that it’s good for me too. By God! Sometimes we’d go somewhere: “Well, Osip, were you treated well?” - “It’s bad, your honor!” - “Eh,” he says, “this is Osip, a bad owner. “You,” he says, “remind me when I arrive.” - “Ah,” I think to myself (waving my hand), “God bless him! I’m a simple man.”
Mayor. Okay, okay, and you say the point. There I gave you a tip, and on top of that, some bagels.
Osip. Why are you complaining, your honor? (Hides the money.) I’ll drink to your health.
Anna Andreevna. Come to me, Osip, and you will get it too.
Marya Antonovna. Osip, darling, kiss your master!
Khlestakov’s slight cough is heard from the other room.
Mayor. Shh! (Rises on tiptoes; the whole scene is in an undertone). God save you from making noise! Go ahead! you're full...
Anna Andreevna. Let's go, Mashenka! I’ll tell you that I noticed something about the guest that only the two of us could say.
Mayor. Oh, they'll talk about it! I think, just go and listen and then you’ll close your ears. (Addressing Osip.) Well, friend...
Scene XI
The same ones, Derzhimorda and Svistunov.
Mayor. Shh! such club-toed bears - their boots are knocking! It just falls down, as if someone were throwing forty pounds off a cart! Where the hell is taking you?
Derzhimorda. Was on orders...
Mayor. Shh! (Closes his mouth.) How the crow croaked! (Teases him.) Was on orders! It growls like it’s coming out of a barrel. (To Osip.) Well, friend, go and prepare what is needed for the master. Demand whatever is in the house.
Osip leaves.
Mayor. And you – stand on the porch, and don’t move! And do not let anyone into the house from outside, especially merchants! If you let at least one of them in, then... As soon as you see that someone is coming with a request, and even though it’s not a request, he looks like the kind of person who wants to make a request against me, just push me straight away! so him! good! (Points with his foot.) Do you hear? Chsh... chsh... (Leaves on tiptoe after the police officers.)
